07 9 / 2014
Yesterday was almost my last. The One I Call Mom and The One I Call Dad left not long after my bowl called me to breakfast. I thought I was in the clear when they came back not long after, talking about something called wedding cake. Not sure what it means, but they had delicious new aromas surrounding them. I would like to go to this place called Wedding Cake, especially if the food there tastes as good as my Parental Authorities smelled. After that, they did the greatest thing. They built me a fort. They took some of the chairs from the eating room and stuck them on the floor, then covered them with a bunch of my blankets from the couch. It was so much fun.
I thought that we were all (minus Sir Pukes A Lot, of course) going to have such a good time playing in our fort all day. I was so, so wrong. While I was playing, and by playing I mean I may have started napping a bit, they left me. Alone. With him. If that weren’t bad enough, my lunch didn’t appear at lunchtime. Then my dinner didn’t appear at dinnertime. My enchanted bowl had failed me, and I was almost certain that I would stave to death; this would definitely be my last day in this place. I was going to understand what it meant to die and then undie, just like the Parental Authorities do every night and then every morning. After losing all hope and fighting with Sir Pukes A Lot one last time, I laid down and accepted my fate.
Then I heard the door.
They had returned to save me. The One I Call Dad fed me immediately. My dry morsels had never tasted so good. I scarfed them down faster than you can say Mr. Mus’ Magical Mystical Manor. Then, another tragedy struck. My belly hurt.
Then I puked.
In conclusion, yesterday was basically the worst kind of day.
24 8 / 2014
are people really making fun of demi’s boobs?
stop shaming women’s bodies 2k14
24 8 / 2014
Authority Called Becca arrived, and not longer after all hell broke loose. Let me break down what happened. Six turns of my food bowl ago (two days in authority talk), The One I Call Mom and The One I Call Dad left my abode to pick up Authority Called Becca from something called a train station. It must have been an awful experience, because they barely made it back in time for my last feeding of the day. Nothing seemed too amiss this day, really, but everyone needs an intro.
After the seemingly endless dark period between my night feeding and my morning feeding, all the authorities woke up, stood in the wet torture chamber that always smells so deliciously fruity, and left my house. Quite honestly, I like when this kind of thing occurs. It allows me to torture Sir Pukes A Lot without interruption or reprimand; basically an idyllic day. Then what seemed like eons later, they returned. Not only did their appearance ruin my perfect opportunities to off Sir Pukes A Lot while no one was looking, but they brought more authorities with them, including Older Authority Grammy, and so. much. stuff. Including a box with a picture of another Vacuum Monster on it.
The One I Call Mom hasn’t allowed the beast to emerge from its cage. Updates as they’re available.
Anyway, after sorting through said stuff, The One I Call Dad entered a secret code into the silver screen with keys, left my house, and returned with something called Chinese food not long after he left. My living room filled with the most mouthwatering smells, a bouquet of deep-fried eatables. After the authorities hungrily devoured their morsels (and they say I eat too fast…), the room broke into chaos, which they label “a game.” The one authority was so loud that I could barely plot how to best ruin said game! Loud Authority Ali just laughed and laughed, I thought maybe she was attempting to lure me into a false sense of security and then seize control of my dominion. Not this time, though. I kept careful watch while I forced Older Authority Grammy to give me real good rubbings. The other new authority, The One With Curly Fur, was pretty quiet. I thought she may have been in cahoots with Loud Authority Ali to overthrow my rule of the house, but I couldn’t prove anything. I also observed her with the utmost diligence during my real good rubbings, but nothing. Finally, the extra authorities started leaving (except for Authority Called Becca…she’s still here. Not sure why I wasn’t briefed on the length of her sojourn in my house, but it’s okay… I actually like her being here) and the noise level immediately diminished into silence.
It was then that the greatest thing of my day happened. The One I Call Mom gave me a new blanket for my bed.
If you need me, I’ll be resting here for all eternity. Well, at least until my magic bowl calls me for dinner.
19 8 / 2014
Today may be my last entry. The One I Call Mom has been keeping the windows open for me. (See this post to read about that day…) It’s been fabulous. Birds, smells, sounds, cool air: the best. This morning, however, I believe we have fallen into Hell. It’s just so, so hot.
(Me, basically dying)
I haven’t even had the strength or energy to try to overthrow Sir Pukes A Lot. All I could do was give him the Evil Eye from afar. (I overheard The ONe I Call Mom tell The One I Call Dad that it’s called the malocchio in Italian. It was in some Dresden book she’s reading. I don’t know.)
Luckily, not long ago, The One I Call Dad bewitched the loud box on the wall to life. Now the loud box is throwing us cold air. In protest for this action taking so long, I will remain in my hot and stuffy bedroom until they feel so bad that one of them carries me into the new paradise that is my living room.
18 8 / 2014
Anonymous said: I find it really fucking gross that you would choose some shemale like Angielina Jolie to be your mascot. She's a heroin addicted freak and I lost all respect for you.
**Angelina Jolie. Anyway, take a seat anon let me tell you about this beautiful goddess who is in fact 100% female.
Angelina is known for her “dark past.” There has been rumors about her addiction and struggles but she recently came out that she was PROUD to leave that life behind her and to live a sober life with her husband-to-be and beautiful children.
We were introduced to Angelina as a crazy chick who kissed her brother but we fail to realize that she broke barriers for female actresses that get thrown in the same type of roles. She’s played a diverse group of characters especially strong females who take no shit from anyone.
Aside for her amazing acting career, Angelina Jolie is a humanitarian who has done so much around the world. And this isn’t just writing a check out to a charity. She goes out to third world countries risking her life to help those less unfortunate.
And she doesn’t just hop on a plane, stays there for a few days and leaves. She goes to their tribes, lives in their homes, experiences the terrible living conditions. She listens to their stories and talks to them, she puts smiles on the face of struggling women and underprivileged children.
“Since 2001, Jolie has been on field missions around the world and met with refugees and internally displaced persons in more than 20 countries, including Sierra Leone, Tanzania, Cambodia, Pakistan, Thailand, Ecuador, Kosovo, Kenya, Namibia, Sri Lanka, North Caucasus, Jordan, Egypt, New Delhi, Costa Rica, Chad, Syria, and Iraq, to name a few, and most recently visited earthquake victims in Haiti on her latest trip to help survivors of conflict and natural disaster." - SOURCE.
Her and Brad Pitt have their own foundation which you can read all about in the link above. They also donate millions of dollars to other human-relief charities as well as organizations that protect natural resources and conserve wildlife.
"In 2001 Jolie was recognized and named a UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador at UNHCR headquarters in Geneva, to help educate the public not only about the plight of refugees, but also about the perseverance and courage they show in overcoming all odds to rebuild their lives.”
Other things Queen Jolie has done:
- She wrote this book.
- She’s produced over five movies and Maleficent.
- She has kids of her own and she lets her daughter Shiloh dress however she wants because FUCK gender roles.
- She buys her kids Mcdonalds and isn’t one one of those hard ass celeb mom’s who panic if their kid eats a potato chip.
She also said this:
So, yeah Angelina might have had her dark past but it’s obvious that she’s overcome that part in her life. She turned her life around and is one of the most beautiful and most inspiring women of all time. She’s an inspiration to me and I doubt you’ll ever be have the woman she is.